ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
You Might Also Like
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Everyone’s family
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious