I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
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everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
What
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
My typo game is string.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]