My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
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I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche