Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
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You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized