The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
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Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo