Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
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You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Thrilling chase underway
I have many caverns
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube