i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
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Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.