If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
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ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Do not steal food from the science building!
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.