-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
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Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I am, perchance
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.