I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
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*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent