“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish š
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Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: Youāre a long movie preview. Iāve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
If you need me, Iāll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all āhey handsomeā and he’s like āI had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see hereās the thing uh nowās not a good time
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
āForgive me, Iām a terrible flortā
āDonāt you mean flirt?ā
*starts florting*
āOMFG. WTF is that?!ā
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Me if I was a dog
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess Iām keto now
When you see a picture of my kids and itās captioned āThe reason I wake up every dayā itās not me being sweet. Itās the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.