Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
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Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
put ‘er there pardner!
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat