[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
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Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
The USS B port
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I want to meet the individual who made this
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I’m not proud
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Meeeee too!
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live