Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
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People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.