What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
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@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.