Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
You Might Also Like
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
shit just got real
Before & after 😅
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.