My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
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wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.