My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
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Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize