1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
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Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.