Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
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I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom