I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
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Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
my professor scared me for a second
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*