Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
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kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Should I call tech support or pray or what
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”