Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
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Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.