If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
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My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
What the hell is going on?
Meow
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.