Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
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People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
sleeping beauty
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*