Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
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My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*