Ladies, why y’all do this?
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I’m going to need a moment here.
just got my engagement photos
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.