Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.