It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
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*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.