STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
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“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more