Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
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Ion see the issue
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!