*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
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[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
fly smarter, not harder
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.