current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
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Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!