What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
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When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.