My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
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“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine