If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
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*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?