I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
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*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
you will never know the true number of layers
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific