My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
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Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD