My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
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If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
me when the borders lift
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
lmfao come on
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.