Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
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Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Hitlers gonna hitl
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
selfie game