wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
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Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project