My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
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everyone’s a critic
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you