18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
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Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
こいつ天才
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
oh you like architecture? name three walls
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.