I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
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“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Get off my horse you stupid moon
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”