Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
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Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia