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Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I love art.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.