Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
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Does this dress make me look cat?
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Meow?
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.