I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
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saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
same energy
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!