Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
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Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.