[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
You Might Also Like
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I am crying
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
sry
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio